I read somewhere that grief is like the waves in the ocean…they look calm and beautiful and then, when you least expect it, they come crashing in and hit you when you least expect it.
I think that perfectly decribes what Im going through. I wake up, shower, dress up, put on my make up…drive to work laughing at Gareth Cliff then all of a sudden, out of the blue and yellow, I just start crying. Like, park-on-the-side-of-the-road-and-cry-because-you-cant-see-through-the-tears crying.
Camaaaaaan!!!! Really? My make up, dammit!
I stand in the comfort of knowing that I have been here before, and God has pulled me through. Thats the thing about Faith, it reminds you of a similar or worse situation and you have comfort in knowing that, if you have overcome that past situation, you can certainly overcome whatever battle you are facing now.
So, the tears will ruin my perfectly applied makeup. I will excuse myself and go to the bathroom everytime they well up during a meeting. I will continue to wear glasses so that people dont notice my eyes are red. All the time.
I will stop going back and thinking too hard, even the flashbacks will stop… things that happen when Im walking into Woolies for a few items, initiating a hurt so painful it stops me dead in my tracks and I want to fall on the ground in the middle of the store and just SCREAM.
I will continue to try and carry on like nothings wrong, even though in my head my whole world has fallen apart…I will carry on smiling and laughing when all I really want to do is cry.
But I will also remember the good times and laugh, – there were so many of those lol and I thank God for them…no one can take those away.
I know one day, that constant pain in the centre of my chest will go away and I will be ok again.
….Rest In Peace.